Bam! It hit me like a ton of bricks within two days. I was laying on the couch and all of a sudden it felt like someone had disconnected some wires in my brain. Seriously, it was an overwhelming knowledge that when I had the hysterectomy, they messed with my head. I was so convinced, I kept asking my husband if he knew what they did to me! He thought I had lost my mind! Later, I ended up having a special surgery to fix what was wrong in my brain. Depression is a sneaky thing.
Have you ever had that feeling? Something is wrong and not sure what it is that you can do about it? Maybe you haven’t had that extreme, but you may know what I’m talking about. One minute I was talking with someone, the next minute I didn’t remember what I had just said. That was so frustrating, and still I was trying to figure out what happened.
All of our friends knew there was something wrong just by observing me
Sad, but true. I knew it was depression, so I meditated and meditated on Philippians 4:6 & 4:8
There are things that happen in our lives that we don’t have control over, there are things that happen and we’re not sure why they did. I can tell you that nothing is missed by God. No matter what is going on, God has this.
But, when I was in the middle of all of this mess, this depression, it sure didn’t feel like anything was going to be alright. I knew what I needed to do, and yet, I still delayed in running to God with it. Why did I do that? Why do we do that? Oh, dear friend, don’t delay like I did.
God sure did make us a thing of beauty. But, there are times when we think we can fix things. Are you a fixer? I am a fixer! There, I said it! In fact, over the last 5 years, I’ve learned a lot about myself. I needed to learn a lot about myself.
We can become so involved in helping others that we miss the things within ourselves that we need to take care of. Can you relate? That mothering instinct is to take care of people at the risk of neglecting yourself. That’s what I did, over and over.
We’re rocking along about four months later, and my husband is being very kind, cautious and quiet.
One day he asks me, “Honey, have you decided what herbs you’re going to take for hormone replacement? It’s past time, you need to do something.”
Of course, I said no. What? Was I that bad? Of course, I had to fight the urge not to take it personally. Five years before, he would not have had a head on his shoulders, I can assure you.
Of course, I thought I “had this”, that I was doing pretty good with the depression, but not really. Deep inside, I knew I wasn’t doing good. What was I waiting for? Why was I delaying taking care of myself? Why was I being so stubborn?
Pride was keeping me there, and that certainly wasn’t from God. I was giving the enemy of our souls permission to mess with me. The trouble is, I didn’t realize it, I didn’t recognize it, and I think the truth is I didn’t want to admit it. That would mean failure.
Failure, none of us want to be there. We must resist the urge to take care of things ourselves. We must go to God. In the Bible, David repeatedly chased after God with passion. Oh, the passion and love for God that he expressed! He laid it all out, he didn’t hold back, he certainly didn’t wait.
Do not wait to pursue God!
Do not let the difficulties and challenges of life keep you from running to God, who can bring joy amidst the storm. God’s desire is that we grow, that we are molded much like a rough rock is tumbled and smoothed out over time. There’s some pain involved, but the glorious outcome! The enemy will try to discourage us so many times, why does he? Because God’s strength in you means you are unstoppable in your walk with Jesus.
My dear friend, I encourage you to sit back somewhere quiet and just open yourself up to God and pray, then listen. I promise you He is waiting for you, He wants nothing more than to shower you with love.
The surgery on the brain, the disconnected wires, the depression? Oh, yes, I had the surgery a couple of years after the hysterectomy. But, this surgery was performed by God! Hallelujah! If only I had not delayed, if only I had not been prideful, it would not have taken so long. Ahh, the sweet freedom from depression and the worries of life.
Oh, friends, forge forward. God uses our past for His glory, and He doesn’t give up on us. You may not have suffered with depression, but there may be other things going on in your life. Actually, most people who are depressed won’t admit they are to themselves, and therefore, they won’t turn to God. Do not wait, do not lie to yourself!
There are many things God has brought me from. I am eternally grateful, eternally blessed.
What has God done in your life that you can look back and see where He has brought you from?
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